Go Ahead. Throw Yourself a Pity Party!

Dear boys,

Recently, I shared the story about Dusty - our determined spider friend - on Thrive Global. I loved how resilient our little friend was, and I wanted to encourage others that they, too, can become stronger -- just like Dusty -- after facing defeat.

But something that I failed to share with readers, and something that I may have failed to share with you is that there is that period of time in between defeat and resilience that must be set aside as sacred time.

Whatever happens today or in the future - whether it's receiving a bad grade, not scoring that goal, or not getting that position on the team or in the school play - know that you are allowed to take a little time to feel sad.

No one expects you to instantly bounce back from feeling defeated. And if they do, they shouldn't feel that way because everyone feels rejected at some point in their lives. Everyone.

Even adults need to take time to feel sad. They can feel defeated too - whether it's at work or at home or both. We may walk into another room so that you don't see our tears, or we may tell Dad (or another care taker) that we need to run an errand or take a walk, when we really need to just go somewhere to let ourselves feel sad for a few minutes.

You may not know this because I have never shared this with you, but since I am a writer, I face rejection ALL the time. When I first started receiving rejection letters on manuscripts, I didn't know how to handle it.  The rejection was...well...absolutely heartbreaking.  When I received the letter that said, "Your story is just not the right fit for us, but the writing field is subjective, so keep querying," I would walk around in a fog, questioning if I really had what it took to be a writer.

Now, I have become so accustomed to receiving rejection letters on manuscripts that the sting is brief. And since I usually receive these notifications via email, in the middle of my day of teaching, there is no time to be too sad.

But that doesn't mean that I don't take time to think about feeling rejected when I get home after the long day...after you go to bed. An extra cookie or some chocolate might do the trick. Sometimes all I need is a hot bath and a good night's sleep. And over the next few days, I do more research on agents and editors who might be looking for work like mine. Then, I might do some revisions, and I send out my manuscript to someone new. I always feel better doing that because I know that I am back on the path to getting one step closer to a "yes."

It's not always that easy though. I know this.

I didn't share this story with you when I came home from my recent writing conference, but I was told that the manuscript that I had put so much work into and had revised over and over again this past year still needed quite a bit of work. It wasn't ready, and I was confident that it had been.

I was devastated by this news. This time, my pity party was a bit bigger. A cookie wasn't going to do the trick, and the chocolates weren't going to cut it either. This time I allowed myself to have a really good cry. Then, I ate a delicious dinner, and I had a glass of wine. I took a hot bath and had a good night's sleep. I had a full on pity party and allowed myself to be sad.

BUT...the key word is "but"....I woke up the next day, brushed myself off and started revising my manuscript ONCE AGAIN.

To be honest, it took a good week to recover from that critique, but I am now beyond grateful that I was told that my manuscript was still not ready because it wasn't. And I am grateful that I received a critique, even if it was full of revisions. I now know that a lot of work is yet to be done, but it's getting there. I'll keep working hard, and my book will be published one day.

Sure, I felt the sting deeper this time. But I know that's okay because feeling rejected or disappointed about something is not a sign of weakness. It's part of the recovery process.

And every experience of defeat may have a different recovery time. That recovery process may take a few minutes. It may take a couple hours. It may take a night to sleep on it. Or it may even take a couple days. Whatever has knocked you down, boys -- and whatever will knock you down as you get older -- know that it's okay to stay down for a little bit.

Have your pity party. Spend some quiet time with your dog. Eat an extra cookie or a hamburger. Cry for a little bit or maybe even a lot. Watch a movie or two. Take a nap. Play 9 holes of golf or 18. And when you're old enough - drink a beer...or two. Do whatever you need to do to let it all out.

Then, brush yourself off. Pick yourself back up. And be like Dusty and get back up again.